Novello Lounge, Telford
Well here we are! We made it through Christmas.
Long story short, I’ve trapped a nerve in my neck pretending that I’m some sort of ‘exercise’ person. I think it was the 4th sit up that did it………knew I should have stuck with my life long 3 rep max……
So here I am, sat in a Novello Lounge in Telford Town Centre, alone, moving like Robocop in a hope I won’t get a soul shaking nervous shock through my head when I forget about my literal nervous disposition and reach for my coffee…….all while my wife and step daughter have the time of their lives ice skating around the corner……
In truth, I am a terrible skater, so it’s no great loss. When I do go, I feel very much under the eyes of all members of staff. The way I am crawling all over one of those skating guide penguin things must look a little like I am sexually harassing them.
This is a first for me, I am live blogging! This wasn’t going to be the topic I was going to write about today, I have a back log of blogs (sounds like something I had the day after Boxing Day after eating about 10000 calories in 2 days) to catch up on but then the moment struck. Did I twang that trapped nerve or was it just a good idea? Let’s do a live blog! I’ll type as I eat, sip and slurp whatever Novello Lounge supplies me!
I have never been to one of these lounges before. They are dotted around local towns around the Midlands. Someone told me there are about 26 or 27 and the first one started out somewhere near Wolverhampton. I don’t care enough to check so lets just say that’s true. They all have different names, a cunning way to make them seem less chain like. A logic that falls apart when you realise that the interiors and menus of them are all the same! (I know from looking in other ones before you eagle eyed readers shout ‘HE SAID HE HADN’T BEEN TO ONE BEFORE’). Their calling card seems to be a load of dusty looking lampshades, potentially bought from old people’s homes when they are moved into….erm….Old People’s Homes……..all adorning the ceiling, all with working lightbulbs. There’s a kind of Alice In Wonderland Tea Party crossed with your Great Aunt’s house, sprinkled with a tiny bit of Great Gatsby chandelier kind of vibe to it all. I think it works, sort of. It definitely doesn’t offend me, which is a good start.
My expectations of chains are simple. Good value for money, decent staff, clean/organised and consistency. That is all I look for. I am not anti-chain at all. They are a vital part of our high streets, paying rents that smaller businesses can’t afford and attracting people to towns. Give me a choice and I would always choose local, independent but sometimes you just can’t, and you definitely shouldn’t just ignore the chain places. I have also heard some good things about these places. Especially when it comes to the coffee…..apparently they use a very reputable indie style cool, hip coffee roaster but have the coffee delivered in plain bags. A worrying thought that a supplier doesn’t want anyone to know they are supplying somewhere maybe?! I am not sure that disassociation is ever much of a compliment? Then again, none of this might be true and once again, I don’t really care enough to find out!
One of my many pet peeves, is not being able to figure out the ordering system. A communication so simple that most joints decide to completely miss it out. Do you wait to be seated or just help yourself? Do you order at the till or bar or is it table service? I often have no idea so I sort of wait with my head poked up like a meerkat looking around at everyone else to see what they are doing. Thankfully for my trapped nerve, the lounge has a massive sign saying ‘please take a seat, order at the bar’……that is literally all it takes! First point to Novello Lounge!
Online ordering systems seem to be the way forward. Made famous by Wetherspoons and so handy when you can sit at home, knowing some friends are in a pub on the other side of the country and you can order 5 pints of brandy to their table. The ultimate prank that no-one benefits from when your friends simply ignore it! It certainly takes the risk out of any awkward social interactions which is occasionally a nice relief. Especially post festive period where I have almost forgotten how most simple social systems work. Even better when you’ve got a trapped nerve and look like a hungry cyborg!
The old scan a QR code routine is magic! It’s led me straight to a full and comprehensive Gluten Free menu (along with other major allergy requirement menus). I can specifically see exactly what I can eat without any queries or even better any misunderstanding with the staff.
Unfortunately for me, the online ordering system doesn’t seem to be working. Could easily be my fat fingers mashing the keypad, not sure but in the end I had to go to the bar to order. That’s fine, I was born in the 80s, this is my realm! For reference, there aren’t many people in yet but from the look on the faces of the staff behind the bar, they have absolutely had enough. Christmas looks like it’s killed them. If I could turn my head a little further I might actually lean over to check that one of the staff isn’t about to pass out from total boredom. Clinging onto the beer taps, staring into the abyss, face like a slapped arse. Ahhh yes, the calling card of a chain restaurant worker at Christmas. Having just spent 4 weeks being invisible to everyone, being forced to serve ignorant work Christmas parties that think they are all stand up comedians, largely being abused for doing their job, they now faced with Captain Gluten Free over here about to ruin their recovery period. Thankfully with such a comprehensive Gluten Free menu, the order process was easy. I can wait with ease, safe from potential Gluten Consequences!
As someone had told me, the coffee is really good here! I was seriously surprised. I would go as far as to say it’s the best ‘chain coffee’ I have had. That is absolutely in no way a difficult award to win with me, but hey, there’s got to be a top dog in every category. If I’m being unnecessarily picky, the milk is maybe a little over frothed, maybe a touch burnt but not a cardinal sin, it tastes great. There could have been some latte art but I’ll always take a good tasting coffee over an ornate swan with a heart for a head any day! Flavour first, looks second………
In fact, I want to order another. Hmmmm. Problem is though, it’s an order at the bar thing and the online ordering isn’t working. Do I leave my laptop and head to the bar? It’s quite busy and while I don’t want to be ‘that guy’ I am also sat in the window in Telford Town Centre (this is Telford Town Centre, right?). But then what would someone do with a laptop largely packed with nonsense and 5000 sauce recipes?……..Or do I just not have another coffee? Consistency is key, I am trying another………..
Well here’s a turn up for the books. The online payment system works. You just can’t order anything to do with allergies online……what a wonderfully efficient system! Makes total sense…..I feel bad now, do I need to redact half of this blog…..can’t be bothered with that and the last thing you want is an efficiently written, short blog that isn’t 5000 words long!
When I order anything Gluten Free and bread based my expectations drop considerably. GF bread products just don’t cut the mustard, especially when charged with holding greasy breakfast goods like sausages, bacon and fried eggs. They don’t have the dexterity to also manage the heavy touch of my animal paws. For reference, I had a choice of bacon or Cumberland sausage. I went sausage. I feel like that’s the choice from my heart of hearts. I’ve always been more sausage than bacon. Actually, that’s a lie. I was and will always be more BOTH sausage and bacon.
It’s arrived looking in top order and the Gluten Free bap looks great! I can’t tell what brand it is, which is a plus. I have tried every single readily available product. I know, ok! It’s in 2 halves. The top of the bap has a semi melted plastic cheese slice topped with an absolutely perfectly fried egg - shaped to the size of the bun lid which has already calmed my trepidation about bun dexterity and the imminent eggy mess I’ll be in!
The other half is a little less exciting, just a single Cumberland sausage cut in half over another cheese slice. Maybe I’m greedy but I feel like this is a 2 sausage situation. While I think about it, is there a one sausage situation?……
I need ketchup. Who wouldn’t need ketchup for this? I can see a stand with all the condiments on. Is this a self serve situation? I also need cutlery but there isn’t any cutlery on the condiment stand. Hmmm, I’m in a dilemma. Have I found a chink in their communication armour? With my trapped nerve moving like Universal Soldier am I about to rip this place apart?
The waitress has returned with cutlery and asked if I want sauce. Phew! Good save, Novello Lounge!
The ketchup is in a fun tomato squeezy bottle. Lovely stuff! It also holds a secret lock into my nostalgic food vault! It’s a really faint, slightly opaque orange colour and almost jelly like in its texture. It’s the cheapest stuff you can possibly get your hands on! Probably about 2% tomato. It’s the stuff you get in truck stops and old school ‘caffs’. Tomato replaced with plenty of water, vinegar, sugar and cornflour. I know because I was once a lorry driver and in case you forgot, a sauce designing behemoth. Nostalgia is a massive secret to getting me to love food and I have some weird and quite specific ones. Instant coffee in a polystyrene cup coupled with the smell of a commercial vehicle auction is one. Another is jelly like, faint opaque orange, cheap ketchup drizzled over cheap processed pork products and a runny egg in soft bread is another……..I’m in heaven!
This bap is everything you would want it to be! It has a bright purple, ‘GF’ flag clearly communicating my dietary status to the rest of the room. The lepers bell of 2025! Watch out guys, there’s a gluten free toss pot over here!
….before you all go off on one, I know the flag is more for the kitchen and my safety so get your heads back down at your screens and carry on reading…….
The sausage is by no means the most premium but also far from cheap. It is probably just above my expectation for this place and the prices they charge and the egg is magic and it’s been seasoned which is above my expectation for this place. The gluten free bread is also great. This is a great bap! It’s also still warm, despite my attempts to let it go cold while I blab on about my every move to you guys…….
My other coffee has arrived - almost identical to the first. Dare I say it, it’s really consistent! Another point to Novello Lounge!
This place is pretty packed now! There is a real hustle and bustle atmosphere. Very enjoyable to be part of! The staff don’t seem stressed and everything seems to flow well. This is where good chains come into their own. They are so well trained in their robotic systems that even when it gets busy and the staff are miserable as sin, it takes a real kick in the nuts to bring the place down!
I am actually pretty impressed with this place. At £11.30 for the bap and a coffee, it feels about right. But I have no idea what food is supposed to cost these days. Prices are absolutely mental and all over the shop. I can’t quite get the one sausage thing out of my head. For £7.50 or whatever I feel like 2 sausages would have made a slightly better impression. The GF bap cost me an extra £1 - so actually, one sausage for £6.50 seems fair. I have no issue with the on cost with GF stuff, I am more than aware of the cost of both the actual raw material and the issues GF cooking causes to the seamless, robotic style kitchen systems in chain restaurants.
I had put off coming to any of these lounges, mostly based on my own ignorance but I feel like I have missed out to a certain extent. Especially with the coffee! That is really lovely! If these lounges carry this sort of consistency across sites, then I would definitely try another one. If I found a lounge where a member of staff had the capacity to smile, I think it would be an extremely welcome inconsistency!
Like I said about 10000 words ago, I look for value for money, a clean/organised front of house, consistency and good staff. Novello lounge ticks just about all of these….just! Although the staff are miserable, they are also efficient and doing their jobs fine. This place is a smile away from really impressing. It’s also somewhere that I would really bare in mind for groups! I think that they would really smash it out the park if you had a decent sized group. Options for everyone and would deliver really consistently across the entire order.
I can’t believe I’m going to say it, but I might even try the one in Shrewsbury!…….although we have so many lovely independent places that actually, I probably won’t. Unless I can scramble a large group together……
Who’s coming with me?…….
